April 8, 2007- Procrastination is Just A Lack of a Good Story

"I'm sorry I took so long, didn't mean to make y'all wait, but good things take time to create." - Street Life

Yes, finally, the page has been updated. I thank all the people coming to me to tell me that it's not October 20, 2005. What I also notice is that nobody ever wonders what happened to me during that giant missing period. I hadn't made an update to the site for some time...over a year. I had slacked on making updates before, but never anything that long. Yet, of all the people who said "update your website," nobody really gave much thought as to why I didn't. Where was I? Maybe the reason you don't know is because I don't want to get into the story.

Maybe the road has been just that good. I have been working so much that basically every weekend has been full. I've gotten into a lot of other places and taken some great opportunities as they come. Unfortunately, that also means days worth of travel with no internet or being on islands with no reception. While on one of these cruise tours, I end up sharing drinks with an executive from ABC. It seems they're in search of new writers for Jimmy Kimmel Live while the show is on hiatus. Sure, I would have much rathered a vacancy for a show I watched, but I don't see the HBO or Adult Swim guys in this stretch of the world. Even though I don't think I'll get the job, somehow I do. Suddenly, I'm living in LA with a small one bedroom overlooking a cleaners and a tanning salon. The gig pays well, but to keep the money coming through like it should I have to lock myself away in this office for twelve hour days. My time there is miserable most days, uncomfortable the rest. I try to get into clubs but it's tough when nobody knows you. The new season does alright, but for some reason, they recruit a whole crop of new staff writers from The Daily Show. I thought my job would be safe, but I never really had a contract. It's because of this that they can sign this new group and squeeze me out, thus avoiding any litigation. Without too much of a fight, I take the little bit of cash I saved and come back to DC and start hitting shows all over again.

Maybe the road hasn't been too good. Since 2006 started, things have sort of been going from bad to worse. I have to cancel gigs because I don't have the cash to get myself back on the road like I'd like to. The shows I do get are bad ones, and I started losing my nerve as a comic. So I decide there's no harm in taking a break for a bit, and I decide to travel. While taking a trip to Thailand (I had always wanted to visit Thailand), I get robbed for all my personal effects. My computer, my passport, my camera, my tickets home. This is like some old American Express Travelers Check commerical. With my money and ID gone, I don't last long in the resort I'm staying in. I don't speak the language at all, so the only thing I can think to do is steal some food form the corner vendors, just to tide me over until I can find more stable accomodations. This works for a couple of weeks, until an old thai lady wih quick hands catches me. With a bump on my head and the feeling of a restles sleep, I wake up in a Bangkok prison. The sun never seems to shine and everyone is bigger than I am, not to mention quite scary. My anger with the way things have turned out, coupled with what I heard about "knocking out the biggest guy first" in prison, I end up in a lot of fights. Some I win, some I lose. I had gotten fairly used to this routine until one day in solitary, a nicely dressed man offers me a chance to get out. Through a series of his tests, he brings me into something called "The Leage of Shadows," and I learn to use misdirection as a means for confusing and intimidating my opponent. When a mysterious fire (allegedly caused by some matches I lit after using the bathroom...courtesy first) destroys The League's compound, I find work as a dock worker and sneak my way back to the east coast in a crate of fish. When I retuned, I decided to put my newfound skills to work. Now, since I'm an insomniac, I patrol the rooftops of DC at night and fight crime, striking frear into my enemies and leaving the streets safe for its citizens.

It seems like when something hasn't been accomplished, especially for a while, the only thing people will accept is an elaborate story. When you know how long I haven't updated this thing, it would be easier for you to think I was off doing so much awesome stuff that I didn't have the time to keep everyone else up on my life. You would be able to process that I didn't update my website for over a year because I was on unnamed islands meeting and working with network executives. You could see me at a comedy club with the intro: "Alright, your next comedian coming to the stage, was Batman for like 3 years. He's also been heard on XM Radio....give it up for Herbie Gill!", and would understand how that makes sense. It doesn't make sense that I had time, thought about updating, actually started updating, and just stopped. I'd do things and forget. I'd put things off to the last minute. My favorite excuse was that I was working on a complete site redesign in flash (which is true) but I don't know how to do flash websites (also true) so it has been a long trial and error process. You can't understand that I am just a procrastinator, and I just need to stick to things better. Maybe, in the end, procrastination is just the lack of a good story. Maybe all the best stories you've ever heard are from people who are super lazy but excellent liars. And you thought you had it all so figured out.

Either way, thanks for staying on my ass. Update complete. See you next time.

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